December 15th, 2010 by The Bull
Originally Posted: September 13th, 2004
Years ago, I popped out of my mothers vagina as a cute bundle of seven pound, three ounce joy. As I got older, my body grew from a tiny, delicate infant into what it is now: a flabby lard of feces. My point is that over the years of my life my body has grown, whether it be physically or mentally. However, there is one part of my body that, for whatever reason, has not seemed to get any larger since birth: my penis.
Yes, like many of you guys out there I have been blessed, or cursed if you will, with what I tend to refer to as an “infant peter.” In other words, my talleywhacker is minute. In fact, I’m not even sure if the small strand of flesh I have can be classified as an actual “penis.” I think the term “enis” would be more appropriate.
As you might expect, having an infant peter has really caused some embarrassing problems throughout the years. In school they used to call me “Travy Tiny Wang,” and when a girl gives me oral sex, it looks like she’s trying to blow up an inner-tube. Moments like these have been more than a little detrimental to my self esteem.
I can’t seem to pinpoint the problem either. I asked my mom if their was sort of accident at the hospital, but she claimed their wasn’t. And I know my tiny willy wasn’t hereditary because my dad’s wonker is fairly decent size. I know because he used to get drunk every year at the family barbecue and do a thing he liked to call, “helicopter rescue.”
I’ve tried ways to cure the problem with pumps and pills, but they don’t seem to work. I’ve even thought about surgery but the way I figure it, no girl ever touches it anyhow. Hey, there’s no sense in buying a Lamborghini if your just gonna’ keep it in the garage.
Yes, having a little penis has made my life tough from time to time. However, I write this column not for pity but instead I write these words to inspire hope for people who share my burden. I write this column for those of you out there who have shoved a tube sock into the crotch of your pants. I write this column for all the guys who used to take showers at school wearing shorts. I write for all of you out there who have looked down at your tiny, flaccid manhood and said, “Why me?” I say we stop being ashamed of what God gave us. I think it’s high time we showed the world a thing or two, even if that “thing” is only 1.5 inches erect.
Hey who cares if your Johnson is small, that doesn’t mean you can’t walk with a little confidence. Ladies dig on a dude who carries himself like he has a 12-inch dong. Who cares if you’re eleven inches short of a foot long, you can still look the part.
You can even try some tricks to help make your schlong look respectable. First of all, any guy with a small peter should be shaving his pubes. Now guys, you don’t have to go Brazilian on junior, but a trim will definitely help. You’ll be surprised how much bigger you’ll look after you shave your Harry Potter.
So I say it now guys, let our tiny penises be a burden no more. We have lived in fear for too long and that must change. As individuals we are just guys with tiny peckers, but when we come together as a group we are a force to be reckoned with. Let us no longer stuff our pants with tube socks or shower with our undies on. Let us stand together, with our tiny penises in hand and scream once and for all, “Yes! It is the motion of the ocean.”
Travis Cowing got kicked out of Sea World for flogging the dolphins.